Friday, May 25, 2007

A Successful Iraqi Exit Strategy

Jimmy Carter was right. George W. Bush has been the worst president! Who the hell invades a country and just brings democracy? When you go to a friend's house for dinner, you bring a bottle of wine, some dessert, right? You don't go to your friends and say, "Hi, we didn't bring anything, but we were thinking that the pork chops should be divided evenly and let's take a vote on whether we eat the salad before or after the main course."

If I were president I would have brought brownies for the Sunnis. And not just any old brownies, the good ones with huge walnut chunks and maybe with some caramel spread on top. The Shi'ites would have gotten chocolate chip cookies like only Americans know how to make them. And I may have even put a Hershey's kiss on top of each cookie. How can anyone hate you when you've given them a kiss?

Now everybody loves us, except maybe the Kurds. I forgot about the Kurds. They get to have a little sampling of both. Let's face it, the Kurds have had a rough century; they could use two desserts.

I can't stay forever making cookies and brownies. I have other countries to feed and will need to car pool my daughter to her ballet and soccer games. So here's our exit strategy. The Sunnis love their brownies and the Shia love their cookies. So we do a little reversal and give the Sunnis (who love the brownies) the recipe to make the cookies (and perhaps ask Hershey's to send a few million kisses wholesale) and give to the Shia (who love the cookies) the recipe to make brownies. Now, next Thursday when the Sunnis want their brownies, they're going to have to ask the Sunnis to make it for them. Of course, they'll agree to do it since their going to want the Shias to make them their cookies.

We have created interdependence. And we have finally brought some good desserts to a region that has suffered far too long from some pretty boring desserts all made with honey. What if you don't like honey? You can't have baba ghanoush or hummus for dessert!

Now I've still forgotten the Kurds. O.K. we will give them the recipe for both so that if the Shias are busy one weekend, the Kurds can make the brownies. But the Kurds can't have any ovens, because if they have ovens and both recipes, they're going to want to be an independent country.

You know how around Christmas time you melt some chocolate and then spread crushed candy canes over it? I think the Iranians would love that. Maybe even enough to give up their nuclear program.

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